June 3, 2011

OMG it's June...

I realized this morning that I am scared of moving to Flagstaff. Not necessarily the packing, the 1200 mile drive, or even the new location worry me as much as the identity change. Although I've been whining about my lack of independence and my desire for adventure, the prospect of starting my adult life in a little over a month  is terrifying. In this "new" life, I expect myself to be a worthy contributor in intellectual discussions, to excel at even the most challenging coursework, and to be an insightful composition teacher. Of course 95% of this is up to me, but the 5% or so that I can't control is the most bothersome. What if I don't fit in? What if I'm not smart enough? What if I'm a terrible teaching assistant? My list of irrational self-doubt goes on.

I'm trying to convince myself that graduate school will be neither all soy lattes and conversations about a better world, nor will it be a doom and gloom world of constant busywork. What I most want from graduate school is exposure to ESL teaching methods, practice teaching, and a clearer vision of what I want to do with my MA. I'm most afraid of coming out of school with an MA-TESL and not knowing what to do with it. I can't control whether I get the job, but at least I am in control of how much I know about the options.

Somehow that doesn't squelch my fears. Did I mention money and boyfriend?